A Bro-working Relationship

18th Oct 2010

There are few greater joys in life than earning a living side by side with a bro-worker. Just ask Han Solo and Chewbacca: flying around the galaxy on the occasional smuggling run and trolling bars for multi-boobed space chicks the rest of the time? That’s the dream. Unfortunately, it seems most terrestrial companies frown upon bro-workers in the workplace since studies have shown that awesomeness hinders productivity. Thanks, studies! 

To protect your special bro-worker relationship you’re going to need to tone down the bro. Here are a few simple survival strategies:


CLUBHOUSE

Bros need a place to hang out, away from the prying eyes of the boss. Here’s a step by step guide to the perfect bro-quarters:


• Fire a mid-level executive. They serve no purpose and their offices tend to have decent square footage.


• Keep the mid-level executive’s assistant on the payroll. He/she (but shoot for a “she”) can serve as gatekeeper to the bro-quarters while performing other vital functions such as ensuring that all video game controllers are fully-charged.


• Replace the office furniture with the essentials: pool table, big screen TV, super sweet Murphy bed that chicks pretend is tacky but secretly they dig it, etc.


• Come up with a “secret knock.”

   * NOTE: Not to be confused with the existing secret knock you tell the hot secretary on the 2nd floor to use, or your other “secret knock” - the hot secretary on the 5th floor. Hey-yo!


• Exit strategy. If your boss discovers your bro-quarters simply pin it on the mid-level executive you fired. In fact, this is exactly the sort of juvenile chicanery that forced you to fire him in the first place.


DRINKING

When bros hang, alcohol is involved 83% of the time. That’s just science. And you can’t let employment get in the way of science.


• Avoid the lunchtime liquor pound. Too many margaritas at Senor Guapo’s equals puking on your boss’s shoes.


• Implement the slow burn. Start the day with a breakfast toast then meet up on the roof throughout the day for “coffee” breaks. A good rule of thumb is one drink for every business-related email you send throughout the day, or roughly one drink every 2-3 hours.


• Purchase or construct a hide-a-bar. Make sure it blends in with your office. While old standbys like filing cabinets and oversized globes have stood the test of time, don’t be afraid to get creative. I once worked with a guy who converted his radiator into a fully-operational ten bottle booze dispenser. He could whip up a Long Island Iced Tea without taking his feet off the desk. Tragically, he died in an office fire.


SPORTS

Bros. Sports. Enough said.


• Utilize office paraphernalia to create new games. Office chairs have wheels for a reason.


• Know your boss’s schedule. He steps out for lunch, you and your bro launch into a game of hallway hockey.


• Abuse the company’s season tickets. Between you, your bro-worker, Herm Smendelton, Lawrence Toothington, Frances Dollarsby, and a whole host of other made-up clients and colleagues, you should be able to lock-up those courtside tickets for all the good games if not the entire season. Oh, and you’ll need to put-in for a bigger expense account because you’ve heard Bob Bamboo is quite the drinker.