45

24th May 2010

 

We’ve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOU’RE AT LEAST 45.

Here’s why.

• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.

• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.

• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.

• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?

• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.

BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN AND SO CAN YOU…

Recently my best friend Ted gave me one of the greatest gifts ever: he died his hair blonde. I took the opportunity to load up on some call-outs…

Call-Outs for Blonde Ted

Hey Ted, is it a nice day for a White Wedding?

Oh come one, just give me one rebel yell.

Ooh, did I accidentally catch you dancing with yourself?

I didn’t recognize you without your overalls and slingshot, Dennis.

If anyone’s looking for the real Slim Shady, he’s right here.

Did it suck when your parents left you “Home Alone?”

Do you ever regret leaving The Police to start your solo career?

Working with Sylvester Stallone must have been intense, Brigitte Nielsen OR Dolph Lundgren from Rocky 4.

Is it true that gentlemen prefer you?

You look a little down… did you just say goodbye to the yellow brick road?

Little cold to be out without your kerchief, Fred from Scooby Doo.

This morning was your porridge too hot, too cold, or just right?

Talk about trying to fill Sean Connery or Roger Moore’s shoes as the new James Bond.

You look a lot taller in person, Dame Judi Dench.

What have you been up to since “Silver Spoons?”