Movie Review: The Wedding Bride (2010)

17th May 2010


When At First You Don’t Succeed

By BARNEY STINSON


When we first meet Jed Mosely, the vile antagonist in “The Wedding Bride,” he’s in his dimly lit office holding a peppermint latte and berating a nearby assistant. He rips a huge fart and then spills the latte all over his lap. It’s hilarious. But it’s also heartbreaking. Because it is this force – the force of Jed’s fart – that we know our protagonist will be up against.


Tony Grafanello’s brilliant debut drama is a brutally honest portrayal of one man’s journey to win back the woman he loves. That man, Tony (played by a pitch-perfect Jason Lewis) must battle the odds and his own regret, in an attempt to stop Stella (an emotive and bosomy Malin Akerman) from marrying lothario architect Jed (Chris Kattan in his finest hour).


As most love stories are, “The Wedding Bride” is simple. Yet a subterranean complexity exists, derived not from any convenient plot devices but from the intricate characters borne out of Mr. Grafanello’s pen. He is a master craftsman: delicate and compassionate, a keen observer of the human condition. For example, in the 84-minute strip club scene, we watch Ted take a dollar bill from his wallet not once, not twice, but fifty-six times. And in each of these fifty-six little moments, we feel the pain of the dancers, the hurt of the bartenders, and the longing of the disc jockey.


The entire cast is solid, but it is Mr. Kattan who steals the show. He turns in what is sure to be an Oscar-nominated performance as the biggest douchebag cinema has ever known. At a breezy 200 minutes, “The Wedding Bride” is not to be missed. It rips out your heart and punches you directly in the balls with it.


“Let me make you my wedding bride,” Tony begs Stella near the end of the film, tears streaming down his face. And in the end, you want her to say yes.


“The Wedding Bride” is rated R for adult language, frank depictions of emotional and physical violence, and extremely long sequences of full-frontal male nudity.


Opens on Friday in New York, Los Angeles and Corpus Christi


Starring Chris Kattan, Jason Lewis, Malin Akerman, and Matt Blitz. Written and Directed by Tony Grafanello.


Kiddie Rules

10th May 2010

Children. They’re like little fender benders that don’t go away and poop a lot. Luckily for me I’m a safe driver and wear about thirty seat belts… if you catch my drift. Unfortunately not everyone “drives” safely. In fact, I recently discovered that some people (Marshall and Lily) drive recklessly on purpose with the hopes of having an accident.


Now I understand I can’t stop the world from procreating. It’s not like Uncle Barney is delusional. But we can at least be civilized about it. If you have friends that have decided to crank out a kid and ruin their lives and those of everyone in their immediate vicinity I encourage you to generate a list of guidelines for them to follow. Here’s a sampling of the eighty-three simple to follow guidelines I presented to Marshall and Lily:


1. You promise to always love me more than the baby.


2. Once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.


3. That may involve the baby falling from a two story window and me heroically catching it.


4. No breastfeeding in front of me.


5. Forget about 4, it’s cool.


10. It’s middle name must be Barney.


14. Lily has to lose the baby weight by bikini season.


17. If I’m hungry you have to feed me first.


25. Never ask me to babysit.


25a. All babysitters you use must be female, hot, and of age.


32. As tempting as it might be, you’re forbidden from using a 19th century president’s last name as the baby’s first name.


34. You cannot use it as an excuse to not do something cool with me.


38. You can only talk about the baby 3% of time.


39. For every picture you show me of the baby I get to show you a picture of me having sex.


42. When it’s of age, I get to have the “sex talk” with it.


45. The baby must wear a suit once a week.


46. The baby must call me dad.


50. I get to take it trick or treating if I want.


50a. While trick or treating, the baby must dress as a lil’ version of what I’m dressed as.


55. It’s first word must be, “Barney.”


59. It has to like me more than Ted.


62. Me, Ted, and Marshall get to re-enact the movie, “Three Men and a Baby” for a weekend.


65. You must introduce me to hot single moms.


66. If it ever has a hot teacher, I get to bring it to parent teacher conferences.


69. Sixty nine. Always funny.


72. I get to bring it to look at colleges.


76. If it throws up on me, you owe me $1,000.


83. … and if all 5 circumstances involving the baby and the strip club should come to pass, I take no responsibility for any of it, because it is your fault for having the baby in the first place.


Shedding a Tear

19th Apr 2010

A dear bro of mine recently attended the wedding of his best friend’s mother and the unthinkable happened: he cried. As you already know, there are a few occasions where a bro is permitted to shed a tear, like when your favorite suit goes out of style, or during the final scene of “Field of Dreams, or the entire week leading up to Bob Barker’s retirement. Normally, I’d consider open-weeping a mockable and unforgivable offense. However, knowing the total awesomeness of this particular bro, I’d like to take a moment and examine the source of the sorrow: the groom’s self-penned song to his bride.



What History Says

12th Apr 2010

My best friend Ted and I recently had a disagreement. He thinks when you tell a story you should stick to the facts no matter how boring or lame they are. But that’s stupid. And you know who agrees with me? History. History is full of awesome stories that obviously aren’t true.


Alexander the Great 320 B.C.


What History Says: By the time he was 29 he had conquered much of the civilized world, uniting the lands of Greece, Persia and Egypt.


Truth: Have you ever heard of anyone in their twenties who does anything other than test the upper limits of his alcohol tolerance and work on growing new and exciting facial hair configurations? Exactly. Alexander, or “A-Train,” as his friends called him, was no different. Truth is, the only conquering he ever did was beating his friend Darius once at beer pong. It was an impressive showing, however. A-Train came back from a five cup deficit, then won in a gripping back-and-forth overtime. Darius died that night from alcohol poisoning.


Boston Tea Party December 16, 1773


What History says: A bunch of colonists were upset over the Tea Act passed by the British Government, so they protested by throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbor, thus helping to spark the American Revolution.


Truth: The Boston Tea Party was, in fact, an actual tea party, complete with tiny cups, lace doilies and sugar cubes. The colonists talked about how upset they were, then cried. Oprah was there. Frankly, it was a low point for our founding bros.


Gettysburg Address November 19, 1863


What History Says: School children are captivated by the story of Noble Abe penning his great speech on the back of an envelope on his way to Gettysburg.


Truth: Old Abe totally forgot he was supposed to give a speech that day. He’d been up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons and drinking Fanta with his buddy, Ulysses. Boy was he wrecked. He just got up there and started stringing words together. “Four score” isn’t even a number… it’s a solid weekend. What up.


Titanic April 10, 1912


What History Says: The Titanic, the largest passenger ship of its time, embarked on its maiden and a mere four days later, the supposedly unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank.


Truth: Really!? Downed by an ice cube!? I don’t think so. Actually, around day three of the voyage they came across an island of beautiful women. The men decided to put the women and children in life boats and then sailed back to the island to live out their days in coital bliss. But the truth doesn’t get you a large insurance settlement.


Moon Landing July 20, 1969


What History Says: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin climbed out of their space capsule, into an atmosphere with no oxygen and minimal gravity, and planted the American flag on the surface of the moon.


Truth: Uh, it’s the freakin’ moon. It’s super far away. Obviously, no one can get there. It takes like a year just to get to Jersey. Neil and Buzz probably spent the afternoon by the pool, drinking martinis and sexually harassing chicks because it was the 60’s and that’s what astronauts did. Honestly, that sounds just as, if not more, awesome.


How To Take Perfect Pictures

22nd Mar 2010

Loyal subjects,


To make up for the crushing, yet inevitable loss of your beloved alma mater from the NCAA tournament (just be thankful you got to play, East Tennessee State), I thought I’d give you a gift in this week’s blog. Behold… the Perfect Picture. In today’s technologically-driven society, 83 percent of all layage is a direct result of the pictures you post on your social networking page.


“Okay, so how do I take the Perfect Picture,” you ask? Easy. Look at any picture of me.



“But Barney,” you’re saying, “I don’t look like you.” True, but maybe that’s because I’m not wearing a backwards trucker hat or standing shirtless next to a pimped-out Civic. You need help. Here it is.


How To Take Perfect Pictures


Step 1: Put on a suit. Just kidding. You’re already wearing one. Right? RIGHT?!


Step 2: Stand in front of a full-length mirror and practice your “perfect pose.” Things to focus on: angling your body in relation to the lens so you appear strong and sexual (think Barack Obama). Also, you’ll want to broaden your shoulders to appear extra manly (think Hillary Clinton).


Step 3: When you’re at a venue where cameras are common (parties, birthdays, a camera store), listen for clicks, beeps and servos, as these are the sounds of digital cameras snapping away. Try to ignore the camera bearer and her friends’ “amazing” stories about how smart their cats are and put yourself in prime position for a picture behind them.


Step 4: Watch for premature flashing (aloha!), as most cameras flash twice. After the first, you have between one and three seconds to transition into your perfect pose. Don’t dawdle.


Step 5: Review your photo. It should be perfect. If not, a few hours of Photoshop can fix anything (exception: Meg Ryan). Now, post your photo and get ready to post.


Barney’s Book Report

8th Mar 2010

Recently my best friend Ted pulled from his impressive library of chick lit a book for me to read: Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut. Since I’m willing to try anything once - particularly when a slut is involved – I decided to read it and provide my blog readers with a fair and objective review.


Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut

Anita Appleby

A “book” report by Barney Stinson



This is a stupid book. There are too many pages, too much science, and despite the promising title, not nearly enough dumb sluts.


The basic thrust (heh) is that chicks should withhold sex from dudes in order to force them into a long-term relationship. Huh?! In the pantheon of all-time terrible ideas that ranks slightly above of “Bet I can outrun that bear” and slightly below “bring-your-neighbor’s-daughter-to-work day.” I mean, if a chick really wants to fool a guy into a long-term relationship there are only three surefire strategies:


1) Become fabulously wealthy… think “helipad”


2) Develop a drug that freezes your body as it was at age 22 while at the same time morphs your face into a different swimsuit model’s face every two-to-three days


3) 1 and 2


Perhaps the only palatable part is on the last page in the “about the author” section. As it turns out, Anita Appleby is smokin’. In fact, she’s so hot I wonder if she’s part Amish. That’s how good she is at raising wood.


You might enjoy this book if…


• Your friends are looking for a new way to relentlessly mock you


• You find comfort and inspiration in re-examining your dating life through the lens of neo-feminism


• You’re in the market for a doorstop so you can see the TV from the toilet


You might NOT enjoy this book if…


• You possess a pair of fully functioning testicles


• You’ve got better things to do with 3 to 4 hours of your time than pray you don’t start bleeding out your eyeballs


• The chick you’ve been trying to bang wrote the freakin’ thing


A History of Hotness

1st March 2010

Chapter 17: Pharma Girls


The following is an excerpt from my informative and well-received textbook tentatively titled “A History of Hotness.”




Super Bowl

8th Feb 2010

If you saw the Super Bowl, you know I had the most awesome idea since free test tube shots at Spring Break.


Also, I haven’t had a lot of time to update the blog, so here’s a haiku:


To My Cell Phone


At my side always


Your ring, a hottie signals


Best wingman ever.


Roosevelt Peter “Mustache Pete” Drexel

1st Feb 2010

Roosevelt Peter “Mustache Pete” Drexel (pronounced Muss-tash Peet Drex-ull – August 9th, 1873 – September 20th, 1910) was an American major league baseball player who played in the National League for nine seasons. Drexel led the league in strikeouts his rookie year, and threw a perfect game on the last day of the season in 1896.


EARLY LIFE


Drexel was born in the tiny farm town of Skokie, Illinois. The youngest of eleven children, Drexel was a rapscallion with a nose for trouble that followed him around throughout his life. And that nose was broken quite a few times because of that trouble. While deer hunting one day with three of his brothers on their property, Pete saw a four-point buck, took aim and fired his rifle. The backfire knocked the young Drexel down, where he landed face first into a pile of mud. When he got back up from the ground, the mud was caked all over his top lip, forming what gave the appearance of a thick black mustache. His brothers dubbed him “Mustache Pete” and the name stuck with him for the rest of his life.


PROFESSIONAL CAREER


Two of Drexel’s brothers played on the Skokie Sentinels, a semi-pro team made up mostly of farmers, bricklayers and self professed “man-whores.” “Mustache” Pete Drexel, thought too young to take the field, spent the games selling bathtub gin to fans in the stands. One particular game, after a foul ball came his way, he threw it back to the pitcher and nearly knocked his glove off. The team was so impressed they offered “Mustache” Pete a contract that very day. Pete was hesitant to sign until several attractive females in the stands referred to him as “resembling a more handsome Abraham Lincoln.” Pete quickly became the team’s number one pitcher and won the hearts of fans and the local Skokie girls alike.



Two years into his Skokie Sentinel days, a scout for the Chicago Cubs, impressed by “Mustache” Pete’s play, as well as his thick, luxurious mustache, offered him a contract with the big league club. Pete signed the deal, and put a provision in the contract that he “be paid half in cash and half in snuff.”


During his time with the Cubs, “Mustache” Pete was a fan favorite as a fun-loving, womanizing flame throwing right-hander. It is believed that Drexel coined the term “mustache ride” during one of his many encounters with the friendly ladies of Chicago.


THE LABRADOR INCIDENT


On September 27th, 1903, “Mustache” Pete Drexel was pitching the first game of a doubleheader against the Cincinnati Red Stockings. While in mid windup, a Labrador retriever (belonging to the head groundskeeper) ran onto the mound and attacked Drexel.


Apparently mustaches reminded the dog of its original abusive owner and thus showed no mercy on Drexel, attacking his face, arms, and legs until the home plate umpire was able to distract the dog by grabbing a bratwurst from a fan and throwing it into shallow left field, thus coining the term “hot dog.”


There is some controversy to how the Labrador managed to reach the field. At the time, rumors abounded that the mad beast had been purposely set on Drexel by none other than Marcus Diller, Drexel’s rival both on the mound and in the bedroom. No formal accusations were ever made, though with Diller’s close ties to the Chicago underworld, this was hardly surprising. What is known, is that for the rest of his life, “Muttonchops” Marcus Diller, no matter how hard he tried, could never manage to grow a mustache.


Unfortunately, “Mustache” Pete never fully recovered from the injuries sustained and was forced to retire from professional baseball soon after.


LIFE AFTER BASEBALL


After his dog-attack injuries forced him from the game, Drexel settled down on a tiny farm on the outskirts of his hometown in Illinois. There he married Shirley Johnson, a widower and heiress to the Johnson Magnet fortune, and they had no children. At the age of 37, he died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail.


Q
what do you wear when you diving? do you still suit up? incase there's a sexy mermaid
Anonymous
A

Of course I suit up. I diving suit up