December 2010
16 posts
No Porn, No Prob!
15th Nov 2010
It has come to my attention that many bros are suffering from a very serious medical condition: Pornemia - the inadequate consumption of porn.
The causes can be manifold:
• Can’t afford spicier cable channels
• Workday disrupting internal porn clock
• Marriage
Fortunately this erection-crippling disease is treatable.
All around you are literally thousands of low-cost,...
BARNEY STINSON: A LIFE OF AWESOME
8th Nov 2010
What if you could travel back in time to witness the birth of awesomeness? This winter, you can, when The National Stinsonian Institution presents its newest and grandest traveling exhibition, “Barney Stinson: A Life of Awesome.” Trace the roots of awesome, beginning with Barney’s very first soiled diaper and ending with a mini-fridge full of frozen sperm.
Highlights of the...
CALLING ALL HOTTIES
1st Nov 2010
Spielberg, Scorsese, Ratner… Know why these giants of the silver screen got into the movies? The casting couch. What other job has attractive women fighting for a chance to spend time alone in a room with you?*
The good news is you don’t actually have to produce a major Hollywood film in order to cram your Davenport full of boobs. You can hold an audition for just...
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
25th Oct 2010
Recently I came close to admitting defeat on a challenge issued by one of my nay-saying friends. Fortunately I was able to rally in the final hour and snare a lady while talking like a little boy, thereby avoiding my first ever failure.
This brush with dishonor got me thinking about my running list of challenges I plan to complete in my lifetime. Here it is:
Pick up a chick...
A Bro-working Relationship
18th Oct 2010
There are few greater joys in life than earning a living side by side with a bro-worker. Just ask Han Solo and Chewbacca: flying around the galaxy on the occasional smuggling run and trolling bars for multi-boobed space chicks the rest of the time? That’s the dream. Unfortunately, it seems most terrestrial companies frown upon bro-workers in the workplace since studies have...
Boobonyms
11th Oct 2010
Dear Bloglodytes,
It’s come to my attention that there’s an alarming nickname shortage for those wondrous spheres affixed to the female thoracic cavity. I’m referring, of course, to boobies.
You’re familiar with the classics: knockers, ta-ta’s, fun bags, sweater cows. But what about their lesser-known cousins: Honka sacks? Blouse blobs? Milk bulbs?
...
The Playbook
4th Oct 2010My third book, “The Playbook”, hits the shelves tomorrow - October 5. Go get one… hundred!
Now before you inundate the comments section with glowing praise and textual “high fives!” for what many are calling the greatest piece of literature of all time, you need to fully understand the power you can wield when giving a compliment.
While it’s...
From the files of Li’l Barney
27th Sept 2010
I’m not one to boast, but from the moment I rocketed from the womb, air guitaring AC/DC, I was in the top .01% of awesomeness on the planet (sharing that space with David Lee Roth, Nelson Mandela, and boobs).
But I prefer to show, not tell. Here’s an article from the Yourson, North Dakota Bugle featuring a young yours truly. This document is on loan from the Stinsonian Institute...
Summer Breeze... Up The Summer Skirt
21 Sept 2010
Tomorrow marks the last day of summer. It also marks the last day of something far more important - skimpy, revealing chick attire.
For at least the next six months ladies across the northern hemisphere will conceal their golden-tanned walking sticks behind formless cotton curtains and shelter their wondrous curves under vast garments of billowy wool. Why? To flummox dudes, of...
45
24th May 2010
We’ve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOU’RE AT LEAST 45.
Here’s why.
• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade...
Movie Review: The Wedding Bride (2010)
17th May 2010
When At First You Don’t Succeed
By BARNEY STINSON
When we first meet Jed Mosely, the vile antagonist in “The Wedding Bride,” he’s in his dimly lit office holding a peppermint latte and berating a nearby assistant. He rips a huge fart and then spills the latte all over his lap. It’s hilarious. But it’s also heartbreaking. Because it is this force – the force of Jed’s fart –...
Kiddie Rules
10th May 2010
Children. They’re like little fender benders that don’t go away and poop a lot. Luckily for me I’m a safe driver and wear about thirty seat belts… if you catch my drift. Unfortunately not everyone “drives” safely. In fact, I recently discovered that some people (Marshall and Lily) drive recklessly on purpose with the hopes of having an accident.
Now I understand I can’t stop the...
Shedding a Tear
19th Apr 2010
A dear bro of mine recently attended the wedding of his best friend’s mother and the unthinkable happened: he cried. As you already know, there are a few occasions where a bro is permitted to shed a tear, like when your favorite suit goes out of style, or during the final scene of “Field of Dreams, or the entire week leading up to Bob Barker’s retirement. Normally, I’d consider...
What History Says
12th Apr 2010
My best friend Ted and I recently had a disagreement. He thinks when you tell a story you should stick to the facts no matter how boring or lame they are. But that’s stupid. And you know who agrees with me? History. History is full of awesome stories that obviously aren’t true.
Alexander the Great 320 B.C.
What History Says: By the time he was 29 he had conquered much of...
How To Take Perfect Pictures
22nd Mar 2010
Loyal subjects,
To make up for the crushing, yet inevitable loss of your beloved alma mater from the NCAA tournament (just be thankful you got to play, East Tennessee State), I thought I’d give you a gift in this week’s blog. Behold… the Perfect Picture. In today’s technologically-driven society, 83 percent of all layage is a direct result of the pictures you post on your social...
Barney's Book Report
8th Mar 2010
Recently my best friend Ted pulled from his impressive library of chick lit a book for me to read: Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut. Since I’m willing to try anything once - particularly when a slut is involved – I decided to read it and provide my blog readers with a fair and objective review.
Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At...
November 2010
6 posts
A History of Hotness
1st March 2010
Chapter 17: Pharma Girls
The following is an excerpt from my informative and well-received textbook tentatively titled “A History of Hotness.”
Super Bowl
8th Feb 2010
If you saw the Super Bowl, you know I had the most awesome idea since free test tube shots at Spring Break.
Also, I haven’t had a lot of time to update the blog, so here’s a haiku:
To My Cell Phone
At my side always
Your ring, a hottie signals
Best wingman ever.
Roosevelt Peter “Mustache Pete” Drexel
1st Feb 2010
Roosevelt Peter “Mustache Pete” Drexel (pronounced Muss-tash Peet Drex-ull – August 9th, 1873 – September 20th, 1910) was an American major league baseball player who played in the National League for nine seasons. Drexel led the league in strikeouts his rookie year, and threw a perfect game on the last day of the season in 1896.
EARLY LIFE
Drexel was born in the tiny farm town...
Anonymous asked: what do you wear when you diving? do you still suit up? incase there's a sexy mermaid
Anonymous asked: how are you?
woah woah woah
Sorry this blog has been dead for a while, I haven’t forgotten about it. I’ve just been away from the internet for some time. I’m back, and Imma gonna answer my inbox and set up another queue. Hopefully soon enough we’ll have caught up with the current episodes.
October 2010
17 posts
Martin Luther King Day
18th Jan 2010
Today is Martin Luther King Day; he was a pretty awesome bro. He taught us to have dreams and stuff. So I thought I’d share with you mine:
I Have A Dream
I have a dream that one day all bros will rise up and live out the true meaning of their creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all are boobs are created pretty good.”
I have a dream that one day...
Girls vs. Suits – This Time Its Personal!
There are few things I love more than suits. There are few things I love more than boobs. But to pit boobs up against suits – it’s almost unbearable. It’s Sophie’s Choice, only instead of choosing between some stupid kids, the choices are things that actually matter.
Far outweighing other classic battles such as Ali vs. Foreman, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, or Alien vs. Predator, the winner...
DRESS TO IMPRESS
7th Dec 2009
“If you don’t use it, you lose it” is an ancient biblical proverb that I strictly follow in my pursuit of being awesome. It’s a scientific fact that your awesome muscles can atrophy if not properly tested on a consistent basis. This of course is why I recently accepted the challenge of trying to get laid while wearing a pair of overalls – (Sex Difficulty Level - 8.2). However,...
THE SLAP STOPS HERE!
23rd Nov 2009
To Whom It May Concern:
A few years ago, I, Barnabus Stinson, Esq., lost a slap bet. A man of my word, I graciously accepted my defeat with good cheer, humor, and most importantly, good looks. Unfortunately not everyone else involved in said bet has acted in such a gracious and professional manner, hence this letter of concern.
It has become increasingly evident that since the...
THE PLAYBOOK
16th Nov 2009
Dearest blog readers,
Recently I had cause to re-visit one of my most cherished literary works: “The Playbook.” Included in this weighty tome is every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, and bamboozle I’ve ever used or hope to use to pick up chicks and give them the business. While I’m not yet ready to release “The Playbook” in its entirety I will reward...
Girls or Food
9th Nov 2009
During a seventeen course meal the other night, I realized something: I talk a lot about women on my blog. And while that’s great and my advice has led to innumerable amounts of lay-age, sometimes it leaves other things by the wayside. Like food. I’ve been increasing my caloric intake ever so slightly as of late and you’d be surprised how describing the life force of the world can...
Barney Knows
2n Nov 2009
Dear Mr. Stinson,
Long time reader, first time writer. The old lady and I love to bang. Been doin’ it for decades. This hasn’t been a problem before, but recently we moved to a new apartment and the persnickety fellow below us seems to resent the sweet sound of our love-making. Any advice for an old bro?
Sincerely,
Old and Still Doing It
...
Canadian Citizenship
19th Oct 2009
Picture this: You’re hitch-hiking in Winnipeg in July. Which means it’s freezing out, so you hop in without properly addressing the situation. About a half mile down the road, you’re perturbed when you realize the driver is a crazy murderer and before you can say “Stop what you’re doing, eh!” you are impaled on the blade of his hockey stick. That my friends, is a normal day in...
Worst Night Ever
12th Oct 2009
A few months ago, I would have told you being in a monogamous couple is worse than promise rings, worse than breast reductions, worse than male jean shorts. But I stand before you a changed man. Yes, Barney Stinson has learned there are far greater evils in this world than the perils of only one vagina to call home. Beware! A hidden danger lurks in the shadows of monogamy and it...
Notes from Class: Robin 101
5th Oct 2009
College is awesome. Where else do you find such a high concentration of women willing to party on a Tuesday? Unfortunately there are classes. Here are my notes from last week.
The Barnacle understands that his peeps needs his tweets. So follow along with my twitter account. Here’s the link:http://twitter.com/Broslife
Why Girls MUST wear Jeans to a Strip Club…
28th Sept 2009
Look down. Do you see boobs? If you answered “no” please refer to my earlier post Never Wear Jeans to a Strip Club from 2/14/06. If you answered “yes” take a second to admire them… maybe give them a soft caress… maybe make an amateur video of you giving them a soft caress… Anyway, the fact that you see boobs most likely* means you’re a chick and therefore have a duty (heh)...
Define This
21st Sept 2009
I spent a lot of my summer chilling out with my special lady buddy, Robin. According to my social colleague, Lily, that wasn’t a precise enough definition of our time together. You see, as a gentleman I generally prefer not to kiss and tell (unless I’ve nailed a ten or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat… and also, just to be clear, I’ve slept with Robin A LOT). But...
Uncle Barney's Mail Sack
18th May 2009
Dr. Phil and I are not the same guy. He’s chubby, I’m built. I have a full head of hair, he’s bald as an eagle. He has an awesome moustache and I regrettably can’t do much by way of upper lip hair. But we do have some similarities. For instance, both of us take extraordinary interest in housewives, albeit for different reasons. And both of us are dedicated...
AS FAST AS I CAN
12th May 2009
Getting out of a ticket — turns out — not as easy as getting out of a second date. Nor apparently, are cops as easily manipulated as say, the Dow Jones. But when the po-po pulls you over on your way to your next pharmaceutical sales convention, you need to be ready. Here’s a Stinson approved practice test.*
Which answer will get you out of a ticket?
1. You...
ihate--everyone asked: you're barney stinson ! of course you're worth having :)
CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS
4th May 2009
I recently reached an important personal goal: 200 women. That’s like 100 women, twice…but you know, with 100 totally different women. Since it’s clearly just a numbers game, I think it’s safe to say I’m in the lead.*
With the almost mythic “200” conquered, I started wondering how “200” fits in the pantheon of landmark...
3, 4, Knock On My Door
27th Apr 2009
I recently encouraged my best friend, Ted, to observe the “Three Day Rule” regarding when to call a chick after getting her number. The popular wisdom is that by waiting three days to re-establish contact you can fool her into thinking you’re not as desperate as you probably are. It’s a solid strategy and a good rule of thumb for amateurs like Ted, but there’s a more technical...
The Fantasy Fantasy League
13th April 2009
The land of make believe is no longer confined to rainy-day attics or treehouse sleepovers. All across this great nation, grown men and women are playing pretend –- imagining themselves as the general managers of professional sports teams. And while that might be good clean fun, I prefer my fantasies to be bad dirty fun. Therefore I proudly present to you my latest and greatest...
September 2010
36 posts
Old Person Quiz
30th Mar 2009
For several years now, I’ve been prohibited from playing Little League baseball. This is an inevitable part of aging, and a necessary one — because the simple truth is I would dominate those little punks on the diamond.
But as Aaliyah so famously declared: Age ain’t nuthin’ but a number. You might be fifty and act twenty, you might be twenty and act...
Oh Canada
23rd Mar 2009
An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn’t born that way. It took work. Now we’ve all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol’ fashioned research.
It was in doing that...
Couture Watch: Nightshirt Makes Night Moves
16th Mar 2009
After an evening spent in the surprising freedom and luxury of a nightshirt, I have decided to update my approved wardrobe lists.
Season 6. Episode 2 →
The Greatest Story Ever Told
9th Mar 2009
Attention: Publishers of Harry Potter
RE: Awesome Manuscript
Best Story Ever.
ihate--everyone asked: hahah i meant do you still call dibbs on the lesbians? but that was a good answer. what !? you have a girlfriend :( you just broke my heart.
Casting Couch
2nd Mar 2009
“Whether you’re hiding from the IRS, working as a spy, or pretending you’re a married man to please your mother, every now and again you’ll find it necessary to create an alternate life. And while you can get alarmingly far with just a bogus social security number, a doctored passport, and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, eventually you’ll need to produce a human being to...
Italian Leather Clad Foot in the Door
2nd Feb 2009
Check out the most awesome résumé ever! www.barneysvideoresume.com
Dear Sir or Madam but probably Sir:
As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you’ve undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand.
I, Barney Stinson,...
ihate--everyone asked: ahah oh yeah that was hot.. do you still call dibbs?
ihate--everyone asked: haha please sir may i have some more.. pants?
