Fuck Yeah Barney's Blog

15th Nov 2010

It has come to my attention that many bros are suffering from a very serious medical condition: Pornemia - the inadequate consumption of porn.

The causes can be manifold:

• Can’t afford spicier cable channels

• Workday disrupting internal porn clock

• Marriage

Fortunately this erection-crippling disease is treatable.

All around you are literally thousands of low-cost, publicly acceptable porn-portunities… you just have to know where to look.

YOUR LOCAL WEATHER GIRL

The only member of the news team who gets a full body shot. As she sashays across your screen spouting stories of rising temperatures and storm surges, you sit wide-eyed and slack-hawed amid a high-pressure front of your own.

COOKING SHOWS

Watching a foxy lady-chef take those slow, smooth, sensual bites is enough to make any man accidentally slice off his thumb.

BIRTHDAY PARTY “BOUNCE HOUSE”

While technically you’re renting the inflatable trampoline for little Dylan and his friends, you’re not gonna be the one to stop Jimmy’s mom in her too-tight t-shirt from taking a little bounce… or two.

CLASSICAL SCULPTURY

Our ancestors’ Hustler. As girls shroud themselves in wintry layers why not pay a visit to a place where the ladies are willing to take it all off? I’m talking - of course - about the museum. Shuffling from standing nude to reclining odalisque is a fantastic way to enjoy your porn whilst being perceived as the cultured specimen you most certainly are not.

THE NIGHT SKY

Sure there’s the classics: The Big Dipper, Orion’s Belt and Ursa Major. But play a little game of connect the dots and you’ll find a surplus of interstellar boobies shining down on you every night. Camping by yourself just got awesome… not to mention easier, pitching-a-tent-wise.

8th Nov 2010

What if you could travel back in time to witness the birth of awesomeness? This winter, you can, when The National Stinsonian Institution presents its newest and grandest traveling exhibition, “Barney Stinson: A Life of Awesome.” Trace the roots of awesome, beginning with Barney’s very first soiled diaper and ending with a mini-fridge full of frozen sperm.

Highlights of the collection will include:

Necktie (circa 1984, courtesy Barney Stinson)

Barney’s first tie, a deep burgundy Versace pure twill silk featuring the signature Medusa head print in a subtle tone-on-tone pattern, was first worn to his aunt’s wedding in the parking lot of Steiny’s Pub in Staten Island. A pea-sized YooHoo stain would eventually lead to the tie’s removal from rotation.

Napkin (circa 6th grade, courtesy Barney Stinson)

A crumpled, pizza-stained napkin from Chuck E. Cheese’s that contains Barney’s very first attempt at a pick-up line. While the entirety of the line has been lost to time, still visible are the first two words scribbled in barely legible purple crayon: “Nice jellies…” Barney’s first kiss is rumored to have happened four minutes later in the arcade behind Tehkan World Cup so, yeah… it worked.

Film Script (circa 1988, courtesy Loretta Stinson)

This shooting draft of “The Karate Kid” was autographed by director John G. Avildsen and star William Zabka and comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Loretta Stinson, the Postmaster General and sadly once again, William Zabka.

Condom Wrapper (mid to late 1990’s, on loan from Rhonda French)

This cyan-colored plastic wrapper was part of Trojan’s Magnum XL line of condoms. In various interviews Barney has described it as “a bit snug.” Because his penis is enormous.

Phaser Pack (circa 2005, gift of Barney Stinson)

Laser tag vest worn by Barney during the Atlantic Region Sectional Finals when he became the first invisibility match champion over the age of 20.

Exhibition Specifications

Tour Locations: Winter 2010 (Europe), Spring 2011 (Panama City Beach, South Padre Island, Lake Havasu City)

Footprint: 14,000 square feet

Security: Crazy Tight

Contents: 83 framed color and black-and-white photographs, 69 hours of bedroom security camera footage, miscellaneous artifacts to awesomeness

Recommended ticket price: $15, or $5 with donation of shirt (ladies only)

1st Nov 2010

Spielberg, Scorsese, Ratner… Know why these giants of the silver screen got into the movies? The casting couch. What other job has attractive women fighting for a chance to spend time alone in a room with you?*

The good news is you don’t actually have to produce a major Hollywood film in order to cram your Davenport full of boobs. You can hold an audition for just about anything: a community theater production of “Spaceballs,” a commercial for your Ebay business specializing in Darryl Strawberry collectible figurines, your awkward family photo…

Q: Do I have to make whatever I held auditions for?

A: Of course not! If someone asks what happened to the epic shot-for-shot remake of “Ben Hur” that they had to audition for in a wet T-shirt you can just deploy the old Hollywood standby: “The funding fell through.” That’s the beauty of lying.

To get going you’ll need to get the word out with something called a “casting notice.” Here’s the one I used recently for my company’s corporate video.

Casting Notice for “GNB Cares”

Major industrial production directed by Barney Stinson, acclaimed avant-garde auteur of the living theater experiment, “The Stinsons.”

Role: Pamela. Goliath National Bank employee. Probably some sort of secretary or whatever it is ladies do in an office.

Seeking: Hotties 18-29. (Please bring three forms of documentation to verify age. Seriously, if you’re over thirty, I will find out.)

Wardrobe has already been selected for this role so actress will need measurements of 34-24-25. (Will accept up to 36 in the bust.)

Skills: Being hot, quick change artist, Thai massage, not allergic to rubber

Please send one head shot, one full length shot (preferably in swimsuit or lingerie), and a shot of you reaching for something. Actually, forget about the head shot.

Audition Sides:

INT. GNB OFFICE - DAY

Pamela enters the office. Her boss,

Mr. Stinson, works feverishly at his desk.

PAMELA

Gee, Mr. Stinson, you sure do look tense.

MR. STINSON

It’s just these gosh-darn contracts.

Pamela walks over to Mr. Stinson and starts massaging his shoulders.

PAMELA

Here, let me help loosen you up.

MR. STINSON

That’s great. Can I return the favor?

Pamela turns to camera.

PAMELA

GNB cares about each other.

FADE TO BLACK.

* Other than “awesome blogger” of course

25th Oct 2010

Recently I came close to admitting defeat on a challenge issued by one of my nay-saying friends. Fortunately I was able to rally in the final hour and snare a lady while talking like a little boy, thereby avoiding my first ever failure.

This brush with dishonor got me thinking about my running list of challenges I plan to complete in my lifetime. Here it is:

 Pick up a chick whilst talking like a little boy

 Lick the Liberty Bell

 Tame a cougar

 Overalls = Sex

 Strike out a Major League batter

 14-way

 Pulitzer / Nobel

 Own an island

 Dunk

 Miss America

 Wear the Crown Jewels

 High-five the moon

 Drive the pope-mobile

 Debunk gravity

 24 chicks, 24 time-zones

 ”Pay only in pennies day”

 Walk to Connecticut

 Ride a baby giraffe

 Conduct a symphony in Lincoln Center

 Seduce a woman with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back

 Achieve Nirvana in less than an hour

 Suction-cup to the top of the Empire State Building

 Urinate in all seven seas

 Fist-bump a king

 Go “business casual” for half a day

Now if I can only find someone to challenge me on these.

18th Oct 2010

There are few greater joys in life than earning a living side by side with a bro-worker. Just ask Han Solo and Chewbacca: flying around the galaxy on the occasional smuggling run and trolling bars for multi-boobed space chicks the rest of the time? That’s the dream. Unfortunately, it seems most terrestrial companies frown upon bro-workers in the workplace since studies have shown that awesomeness hinders productivity. Thanks, studies! 

To protect your special bro-worker relationship you’re going to need to tone down the bro. Here are a few simple survival strategies:

CLUBHOUSE

Bros need a place to hang out, away from the prying eyes of the boss. Here’s a step by step guide to the perfect bro-quarters:

• Fire a mid-level executive. They serve no purpose and their offices tend to have decent square footage.

• Keep the mid-level executive’s assistant on the payroll. He/she (but shoot for a “she”) can serve as gatekeeper to the bro-quarters while performing other vital functions such as ensuring that all video game controllers are fully-charged.

• Replace the office furniture with the essentials: pool table, big screen TV, super sweet Murphy bed that chicks pretend is tacky but secretly they dig it, etc.

• Come up with a “secret knock.”

   * NOTE: Not to be confused with the existing secret knock you tell the hot secretary on the 2nd floor to use, or your other “secret knock” - the hot secretary on the 5th floor. Hey-yo!

• Exit strategy. If your boss discovers your bro-quarters simply pin it on the mid-level executive you fired. In fact, this is exactly the sort of juvenile chicanery that forced you to fire him in the first place.

DRINKING

When bros hang, alcohol is involved 83% of the time. That’s just science. And you can’t let employment get in the way of science.

• Avoid the lunchtime liquor pound. Too many margaritas at Senor Guapo’s equals puking on your boss’s shoes.

• Implement the slow burn. Start the day with a breakfast toast then meet up on the roof throughout the day for “coffee” breaks. A good rule of thumb is one drink for every business-related email you send throughout the day, or roughly one drink every 2-3 hours.

• Purchase or construct a hide-a-bar. Make sure it blends in with your office. While old standbys like filing cabinets and oversized globes have stood the test of time, don’t be afraid to get creative. I once worked with a guy who converted his radiator into a fully-operational ten bottle booze dispenser. He could whip up a Long Island Iced Tea without taking his feet off the desk. Tragically, he died in an office fire.

SPORTS

Bros. Sports. Enough said.

• Utilize office paraphernalia to create new games. Office chairs have wheels for a reason.

• Know your boss’s schedule. He steps out for lunch, you and your bro launch into a game of hallway hockey.

• Abuse the company’s season tickets. Between you, your bro-worker, Herm Smendelton, Lawrence Toothington, Frances Dollarsby, and a whole host of other made-up clients and colleagues, you should be able to lock-up those courtside tickets for all the good games if not the entire season. Oh, and you’ll need to put-in for a bigger expense account because you’ve heard Bob Bamboo is quite the drinker.

11th Oct 2010

Dear Bloglodytes,

It’s come to my attention that there’s an alarming nickname shortage for those wondrous spheres affixed to the female thoracic cavity. I’m referring, of course, to boobies.

You’re familiar with the classics: knockers, ta-ta’s, fun bags, sweater cows. But what about their lesser-known cousins: Honka sacks? Blouse blobs? Milk bulbs?

Every bro should possess an arsenal of unique boob synonyms, or “boobonyms.” Why? First, they’re fun to say… suckle huts! Second, and more important, a dude must be able to safely and inconspicuously direct his bro’s attention to an amazing set of swollen flesh papayas should they come bouncing by. Example: “Bro! Check out the brontosaurus eggs at your 5 o’clock!”

Below are 25 of my all-time favorite boobonyms. Feel free to think up your own but be sure to share them with the greater shirt roosters appreciation community.

Knockers
Ta-Ta’s
Fun Bags
Sweater Cows
Gazungas
Floppers
Bikini Bombs
Brontosaurus Eggs
Chest Balloons
Speed Bags
Twin Peaks
Honka Sacks
Velvet Cushions 
Suckle Huts
Silicone Sisters
Dairy Maids
Blouse Blobs
Strawberry Sundaes 
Travel Pillows
Mike & Molly
Swollen Flesh Papayas
Milk Bulbs
Lady Turnips
Skin Spinnakers
Shirt Roosters

4th Oct 2010My third book, “The Playbook”, hits the shelves tomorrow - October 5. Go get one… hundred!

Now before you inundate the comments section with glowing praise and textual “high fives!” for what many are calling the greatest piece of literature of all time, you need to fully understand the power you can wield when giving a compliment.

While it’s perfectly acceptable to compliment someone on an impressive achievement (eg. “Nice rack!”), did you know that a compliment can also be used as a tool to get what you want? (eg. “laid.”) The backhanded compliment is truly an art form - the best will lower the intended target’s self esteem thus making them more susceptible to the power of suggestion. 

Here is a list of some of my favorites that are sure to get the job done as well as keep people in check. 

At the Bar:
You have an amazing body. It’s great to see a woman who’s not at all concerned with the fitness craze.

At the Office:
The report you handed in was great. For once I didn’t have to change the entire thing.

At Her House:
I love what you’ve done with the place. Modern and clean is so yesterday. 

At a Wedding:
Don’t worry. No one is supposed to look good in a bridesmaid dress. 

At a Funeral:
Black is very slimming on you. 

In the Bedroom:
It’s okay. Not everyone knows how to please me. It’s the effort that counts. 

At the Gym:
Nice to meet you. Say… your palms aren’t nearly as sweaty as your forehead.

At the Mall:
I really like those jeans. My grandmother had a pair just like them, but she only wore them when milking.

At the Dinner Table:
Your breath reminds me of all those innocent summer days I spent working on my uncle’s fishing boat.

At the Library:
I’ve always said, “Nerds are the most interesting people I know,” and you look fascinating.

RIDDLE ANSWERS
(sun dress; tank top; bikini, cut-offs, mini-skirt; strip)

27th Sept 2010

I’m not one to boast, but from the moment I rocketed from the womb, air guitaring AC/DC, I was in the top .01% of awesomeness on the planet (sharing that space with David Lee Roth, Nelson Mandela, and boobs).

But I prefer to show, not tell. Here’s an article from the Yourson, North Dakota Bugle featuring a young yours truly. This document is on loan from the Stinsonian Institute in Washington D.C.

21 Sept 2010

Tomorrow marks the last day of summer.  It also marks the last day of something far more important - skimpy, revealing chick attire. 

For at least the next six months ladies across the northern hemisphere will conceal their golden-tanned walking sticks behind formless cotton curtains and shelter their wondrous curves under vast garments of billowy wool.  Why?  To flummox dudes, of course.  And, to a lesser extent, prevent hypothermia.

To commemorate the annual disappearance of tight, short, jaw-dropping clothing, I have devised the following fun page.  Print it out, solve each riddle, and then use the boxed letters to unscramble the answer to the MEGA RIDDLE. 

What flowing cotton frock sends a dude’s minute hand straight to 12 o’clock?

___   ___   ___      ___   [___]   ___   ___   ___  

What strappy upper favors the double D-cupper?

___   ___   ___   ___      ___   ___  [___]  

What two piece swimmer makes the testes simmer?

___   ___   ___  [___]   ___   ___ 

Worn too tight what pelvic shield of denim can lead to premature male venom? 
 
___   ___   ___   -   ___   ___   ___ [___]

What tiny number cut above the knees would stop a man’s heart if she ever dropped her keys?   

___   ___   ___   ___   -   ___   ___   ___   ___ [___]

MEGA RIDDLE

Autumn nears and chicks bundle up to hide their boobs from bros, so in our heads is where we go to ___________ their frumpy clothes. 

[___]  [___]  [___]  [___]  [___]

Answers next week!

24th May 2010

We’ve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOU’RE AT LEAST 45.

Here’s why.

• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.

• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.

• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.

• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?

• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.

BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN AND SO CAN YOU…

Recently my best friend Ted gave me one of the greatest gifts ever: he died his hair blonde. I took the opportunity to load up on some call-outs…

Call-Outs for Blonde Ted

Hey Ted, is it a nice day for a White Wedding?

Oh come one, just give me one rebel yell.

Ooh, did I accidentally catch you dancing with yourself?

I didn’t recognize you without your overalls and slingshot, Dennis.

If anyone’s looking for the real Slim Shady, he’s right here.

Did it suck when your parents left you “Home Alone?”

Do you ever regret leaving The Police to start your solo career?

Working with Sylvester Stallone must have been intense, Brigitte Nielsen OR Dolph Lundgren from Rocky 4.

Is it true that gentlemen prefer you?

You look a little down… did you just say goodbye to the yellow brick road?

Little cold to be out without your kerchief, Fred from Scooby Doo.

This morning was your porridge too hot, too cold, or just right?

Talk about trying to fill Sean Connery or Roger Moore’s shoes as the new James Bond.

You look a lot taller in person, Dame Judi Dench.

What have you been up to since “Silver Spoons?”